WHAT IS LOVE?
I have never doubted that my wife and love of my life, Dawn, loves me and wants me and respects me. She tells me constantly, although I know it. When you have that from another person you love and want and respect - it is the greatest joy! I have noticed that I always want to hug her when I go by. She has taught me more about love than all the rest of the people I have known put together. I really want to be “loving” like her. There is nothing better than feeling love for another and sharing that feeling with each other.
Here are some helpful hints on “Living, Loving and Learning” from the book by Leo Busgalia of the same name and from me.
Love is difficult to define. It is different things to different people. I have said since my first learning experience that “Love is a chemical imbalance”. But it is a nice chemical imbalance with the right person. It is often a confusing emotion with the wrong person.
It may be confusing to you and to your current mate or boyfriend or girlfriend. He or she may feel burnt by something you said or did and may never get beyond that - but the sooner he or she does beyond it, the better for you and them. Don't feel any guilt for any past break-ups as they were decisions in the making.
The best definition of love is in the Bible - Cor I, 13, 4. It really is very, very good! Look it up. Learn to live it. It is the very best of statements on love. "Love does not insist on its own way" = “Living without expectations!” = Love "rejoices in the right" = Saying, “I loved him, but it just did not work out”. Here is the Bble version! Memorize it now.
"Love is patient and kind;
Love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong,
Notice the Bible verse does not say love “expects” all things. It could have, but the author new that love does not expect all things.
The Bible has many similar good philosophical quotes of wise men. You are intelligent enough to recognize them. Read the Bible searching for the good thinking. Underline it or use Dr Schuler's Bible that already does this. Start with Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. The philosophy in the Bible guides most thinking in the world. If you know what drives the thinking of most of the world you will be considered a wise person.
Does it matter more if Jesus was born of a virgin? Or more that his words and works and teachings live now - 2000 years after he died?
2. BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
So, your relationship is in trouble. Join the crowd.
I don't know what to tell you about when to break up or hang on to a relationship other than this. You both probably have mixed feelings over something said or done and neither knows what to think or knows what the other is doing or thinking. These are normal feelings. You may want to give love a chance and put off any high expectations until you know where the relationship will be.
When you get sick and tired of another - you will do something. It really is that simple. And, it is also that hard. You will know when you have had enough. Then you will act. Only you can make that decision. If you do breakup - all the venting of anger may be normal but is a great waste of emotional energy.
Hate or anger makes you look bad over time. YOU at least can rise above that no matter what by just saying, "I loved him or her, but it just did not work out." You can move on without worrying about what he says because you are saying the right thing. 99.99% of the people you both know will listen to either, agree with who is speaking, and forget about it all in 30 seconds. They all have their own problems. Friends do not help by repeating what they heard one say about the other.
3. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS MAKE ANOTHER DECISION
One decision leads to another and another and another - especially if the previous one does not work out. When you know that all you have to do is make another decision in life, life gets so easy. The sooner you learn this, the better off you are. Once you make a decision, life seems easier. If you make a decision and it does not turn out, all you have to do is make another decision.
4. LIVE WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS
This is the most important rule in relationships.
This means you have to get to a point in life when you really do not expect others to react or behave in a certain way. You can only control how you react or behave. You cannot control how others react or behave. What often makes life difficult is when we expect others to jump for joy or be happy and they are not. If we expect them to take us to dinner or buy us something and they don't - this leads to our disappointment. When we expect someone to do something and they don't, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
There is another aspect to expectations. If you expect something to happen and it does, you will be bored.
Living without expectations is also accepting others as they are. You might as well, as they are not likely to change unless they want too. This does not mean that we cannot honestly tell others how we feel and even what we don't like about them and hope they change.
You can live without expectations and still hope, desire, love, want and have all the normal feelings. But it is in the expectations that we set ourselves up for disappointment.
Living without expectations does not mean we must live without hope. We can hope others will change, we just cannot expect that they be the way we want them to be. It is confusing to love someone and not get the same jibes back. Or should I say, it is confusing to love someone and expect the same jibes back.
5. EACH HUMAN IS COMPLEX AND INTERPRETS THINGS DIFFERENTLY.
This is very important to know and remember also.
I have the most difficulty dealing with people that I think do stupid things or have stupid opinions. I have little patience for them. Especially if they do stupid stuff and they act like they are the greatest gift to the world. You may be experiencing that with your roommate. Ben Franklin would say to them, "That is a good or an interesting idea" and then proceed to state his opinion not worrying whether the other agreed or not. Better than saying that is dumb and walking away.
We learn so much by our trials.
If I could wave my hand and make someone love you as you wish, I would. I can't. Nor can you.
We can learn that is better not to have great expectations of others and to try to live without these expectations. It is not easy and if you only need 20 years to learn it, you will be far ahead of many.
You may expect someone to be perfect.
You will at times be disappointed in that expectation.
You may expect love to be easy.
You will at times be disappointed in that expectation.
You may expect your husband someday to buy you flowers.
You will sometimes be disappointed in that expectation.
What if you did not expect these things? You will be less disappointed.
There are disappointments in life. Many are created by us because we created the expectation. When the cookie crumbles, as it inevitably will, we feel pain, hurt and anger. If we react with trying to create pain, hurt and anger for the other person what is gained? Certainly love will not be gained.
As a nation we set Bin Laden and Saddam up, gave them the weapons and when they did not react in a certain way we expected, we withdrew our support and tried to cause them pain, hurt and both sides became angry. What if we gave them food, medicine and security from their enemies? We cannot now force them to love us and to not try to hurt us back and to trust us. But our government expects them to love us and trust us and not hurt us even when we are hurting them and have lost their trust.
LIVING, LOVING AND LEARNING
Love is learned from others, we unlearn it and relearn it. We are all human, we all have hang-ups, misconceptions, joy, sorrow, etc. All that you are learning in your relationship is human - very human. All the range of emotions you are experiencing are very human.
If someone would lose their cool, explode and after a 2000 times, you say “Enough!” So exploding is not good. Saying hateful things does no good.
You can give love, but you cannot expect it in return or you will be disappointed. You can be a loving person, but don't expect every one to love you back or be loving to you every moment.
One may never get over being hurt and you cannot make him with anything but showing him love, and that may not work. Then you have to move on.
You have been on a rollercoaster before, and unless you and him go for counseling together, you could well spend a lifetime together with these constant ups and downs. And, at some point you are not going to want to grow old with him.
The only thing you have to give is you. Others must accept you as you are or tell you what he wants in you and then maybe you want to change something. Vice versa.
Leo says, "You are all you have. Therefore make yourself the most beautiful, tender, wonderful, fantastic person in the world. And then you will always survive." You are at times all you have. It is all you can be certain of. So why not be the best you can be. You are beautiful. Be tender. Try to always be the wonderful you. You know how beautiful your smile is when you break into a spontaneous smile! You are on your way to being a fantastic person.
Don't let anyone drag you down to their level of un-trust or hurt or anger!
If you are unhappy with yourself, your characters, or others, Leo says:
"If you don't like the cast of characters you've involved with, get rid of them and start a new bunch. But you've got to do it. And it's all yours."
Gentleness comes from strong people and you will be strong.
"My happiness is me, not you.
Not only because you may be temporary,
But also because you want me to be what I am not".
You can be happy with you, maybe not with someone else.
Someone can always be temporary - there are no guarantees.
He cannot make you be what you are not, and
you cannot make him be what he is not.
You have great spontaneity. Do you know what a marvelous thing that is to have! In comparison many have very little and they are starving to death at the banquet of life. You know you are alive!
WOW! You have to be free to learn and to make mistakes and to be yourself. Do you feel free to be yourself in a crowd?
"Don't give me your hangups! Let me find and overcome my own!"
"Each of us remain part stranger even to those who love us"
"It is the weak who are cruel" - gentleness can only be expected from the strong.
Perfect love gives, expects nothing. (Powerful stuff).
Perfect love never stops giving.
I love you as you are. I don't expect you to be different. Would I change anything in you? Maybe I would - that you learn all the above,
MORE GREAT QUOTES FROM LEO AND COMMENTS BY ME!
“Living, Loving and learning” – perhaps as great a book as ever written.
“Love is learned from others.”
We learn love from others and sometimes others don’t learn it as fast or in the same way. I would never expect a young person to really know what love is until they have experienced life for more years.
“Fear is learned, …prejudice…hate…concern…responsibility…commitment…respect…kindness and gentility is learned.”
“I have always hesitated to define love because I see love as limitless, and as you become bigger and more beautiful and more expansive, so does love.”
Love is not trying to remake someone else. It is more trying to make yourself more beautiful.
“Maybe I have to change my methods of behaving…and you do it – volitionally.”
“You control your own destiny.”
“This idea of perfection frightens me.”
“Man is so incredible. The defense mechanisms that we build to protect ourselves.”
“Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.”
“then you decide to change, this may no longer be your value – and so you’re shaking complacency.”
You have been involved with the rollercoaster romance.
You are the one who is willing to shake complacency!
You are going to love this:
“If you don’t like the scene you’re in, if you are unhappy, if you’re lonely, if you don’t feel things are happening, change your scene. Paint a new picture. Surround yourself with new actors. Write a new play – and if it’s not a good play, get the hell off the stage and write another one. There are millions of plays – as many as there are people.”
I love that one and it led to me seeking a new scene from my previous marriage. Just one more decision.
“Don’t ever believe your life is going to be peaceful - life is not like that.”
“you only teach yourself.”
“If everyone had just one single person in his life who says, ‘I will love you no matter what’.” So many say I will love you if….
“people need nurturing…to be loved…felt…touched, we need some manisfestation of love.”
“Every one of you will find your own way. Don’t let anyone impose theirs on you.”
“Any path is only a path. There is no affront to yourself or others in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do.”
“Sometimes by opening our mouths, we make dreadful errors. It’s often much better to just look at somebody and vibrate.”
“listening is tremendously important.”
“The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be.”
“You can guide but you can’t order. And try to communicate, try to understand.”
“no change takes place without working hard and without getting your hands dirty.”
“I must face my own shortcomings, mistakes, transgressions…. I must decide to leave my bed and live again. And if I fail, I don’t have the comfort of blaming you or life or God.”
Dear xxxxxx, “Don’t walk in my head with your dirty feet!”
“You take from what I share what is right for you.”
“So there’s always hope and there’s always wonder, and you don’t have to sit and cry about the fact that somebody mistreated you in the past.”
You need to believe in yourself with or without Mr X.
“If you think you can pack up your bag and escape you, you’re in for a mighty big surprise.”
“What is essential is not out there. What is essential is indeed in you.”
“I don’t care where you are in your learning, you are still nowhere.”
“Joy is a great teacher. But so is dispair.”
“Wisdom is the application of knowledge and facts.”
“the only reality is the ‘now’.” Forget the past to go forward. Remember the past only to avoid repeating it.
“Don’t spend time crying about yesterday…forgive the people who’ve hurt you. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life blaming or pointing a finger.”
“no matter where you are, you have the potential to grow. You are just starting.”
“It does not matter what mistakes you’ve made as long as you don’t make them again.”
“most of us are lost, and most of us are confused.”
As my wife would say, your heart knows the right thing to do.
“If you deny even one man entrance in your life, you’ll never get his uniqueness from anyone else...but only when you find the you in you, will you have anything to give me.”
You make you unique and can learn the uniqueness of others.
“If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything like a nail.”
“The self constructs enormous walls around itself for self protection. It calls those walls reality.”
“A bummer day is one that doesn’t quite come out the way we wanted it. Well, tough for us! That’s too bad if the day doesn’t turn out the way we want it. The day was perfect – it’s we who were tampering with perfection.”
I have heard you say often you are having a bad day. I love this - “When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change”, Dr Wayne Dyer.
“our mind is really nothing more than an instrument of experience.”
“Wherever we are right now is important. I like the idea of whatever you are, love where you’re at for it starts there. You have got to start by saying, Yes, I love me where I am with all my addictions and limitations, but that does not necessarily mean its where I am going to be tomorrow. It just means that I like me where I am now. You can’t go on until you make that statement.”
“The world is already perfect.”
“The very instant a thing reaches its height, it begins to decline.”
Nothing is permanent but change.
Dag Hammarskjold: “Body and soul contain a thousand possibilities out of which you may build…” Dag also said once that “I live my life so that when I die everyone else weeps, but I have no tears to shed.”
“You love one person and that love leads you to hundreds. Keep growing.”
Here it comes, memorize the below:
Budda: “When you cease expecting, you have all things.” Memorize this.
Leo: “Rid yourself of expectations….If you go around doing your thing without expectation, then you already have everything you need. If they do give you something in return, you take it with open arms. It should always come as a surprise. But if you expect a response and it comes, it’s a bore. Cease expecting and you have all things. Take whatever people give you. If you appreciate it, hug it, kiss it, and take in the joy, but don’t expect it. If you want pain, just go around with expectations. People are not here to meet your expectations.”
“all you really need is already in you.”
“I can be right and you can be right. We both can be right. There really is no right or wrong, there is an enormous grey area….”
I love this book because it freed me of the control of me. It taught me that love is not a rollercoaster but a growing experience. I tired of tip toeing around and not saying the truth so to avoid a conflict.
There is hope in poor relationships if you want to both go to counseling and talk out your problems. If not, move on. Adopt as much of the above as you can and you will do fine regardless of what someone else does or does not do. You as you are a special person. You have been good for another. If someone does not want you as you are, believe me 100 others will.
Get the book. Read the whole thing. Force your way thru it. I think it will help.
“If there is, in this world, one person whom we can touch totally trust…we will never die of loneliness.” We need someone who will listen.
“We can select the joy of intimacy”.
“It’s true that intimate relationships are a risk, and it’s true that they will hurt…make greatest demands on you…demand change…bring out your deepest feelings and make you feel miserable sometime. But…your only alternatives to intimacy are in despair and loneliness.”
“Intimacy is absolutely essential”.
“So it’s the sameness that brings us close, but it’s the newness that will keep us together. Be wise, be stimulating, be exciting, share new ideas, grow, develop. Don’t ever be predictable!”
You could give someone a hug when you see him - like an old friend. Tell him you are willing to be friends and leave it at that.
“Intimacy cannot be expected. You can have no expectations in interaction with another. No one can always be or do what you would wish of them. Everything comes to you as a surprise, and if you think about it, every downer that you have is because someone did not meet your expectations.”
“Predictability is a bore…be unpredictable…. You can never count on what I am going to or say.”
“Please don’t wait to communicate your feelings. I think one of the greatest destructive elements in relationships and intimacy is our inability to relate what we’re feeling now.”
“Never have short arguments….they are usually over before they solve anything... The longer you argue, the more you are going to get to the feelings, and so when they start walking out of the room, chase them! Say, ‘Wait! I don’t understand. Keep talking!’ Eventually you are going to find out what you’re arguing about is pretty damn silly.”
“Intimacy is not simple. It’s a great challenge to our maturity. It’s our greatest hope.”
“the greatest thing we have is life.”
“most of us are really passing trough and spending the duration.”
“as long as you leave your life in the hands of others, you’ll never live. You have to take the responsibility for choosing and defining your own life.”
“if we really don’t live fully we keep other people from living fully!”
You and someone are a unique history. A great experience. Why see it any other way?
“You are a unique history…whatever that history is, it’s gone and it’s past. Love it
and embrace it. Reinvent forgiveness. You are never going to be able to choose life until you learn to forgive.”
This is very true. Forgive yourself. Forgive another. Love again. Never waste a moment of energy on hate or anger – it only makes you feel bad.
“And if you want to paint hell, go ahead and paint it, but then don’t blame me…society…God…You take full responsibility for creating your own hell.”
“The greatest dreams that have been accomplished by men and women have been called impossibilities – and somebody has proved the impossible was possible.”
“To choose life, we must be willing to risk again and love again.”
“To love is to risk not being loved in return.”
“To hope is to risk despair, and to try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and becomes nothing, He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.”
“You have all the resources in you to heal yourself, which is what you’re going to have to do anyway. You might as well start on that process right now.”
The Dalai Lama: “Our greatest duty and our main duty is to help others, and if you can’t help them, would you please not hurt them?”
Love grows love. (A stone I placed by our fountain).
“Life is not a trip in itself. It’s goal. It’s a process. You get there step by step by step by step.”
Definition of love: “Love is life in all of its aspects. And if you miss love, you miss life. Please don’t.”
“Don’t ever grow in anybody’s shadow, you cannot grow in someone else’s shadow.”
“My life is so much richer because you are in it.”
Loving relationships depend upon open, honest, beautiful communications.”
Jack Paar (the 1st Tonight show host), “My life seems like one long obstacle course, with me as the chief obstacle.”
“You’re nothing if you think you’re nothing.”
“I’m vulnerable, I make mistakes. I’m imperfect, I’m afraid….I’m…human. And, that is my greatest asset. That’s really all I want to be.”
“Choose life…love…caring…trusting…goodness…it’s your choice. You can also choose despair…misery…making life uncomfortable for other people…. But I warn you that if you decide to take full responsibility for your life, it’s not going to be easy, and you’re going to have to learn to risk again. Risk-the key to change.
Risk = making another decision. You have made mistakes but are willing to risk. You will do fine.